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When you dream by ~DataPhreak:iconDataPhreak:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Emotional


So peaceful and quiet,
Resting on the couch,
Her arms folded across her face.
You learn so much
About a person when they sleep.
Rest now, you've had a busy day
Running from door to door,
With no particular goal.
So care free and full of life
When given your free reign,
And when you sleep beneith your dreams,
A blanket of imagination,
There's nothing left to hold you back
except your own mind.
So why is it that you cry?
©2004-2010 ~DataPhreak
:icondataphreak:

Author's Comments

I dunno...

Comments


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:iconmemoryfinder:
~MemoryFinder Feb 22, 2004, 9:19:30 PM
You learn so much
About a person when they sleep.


Growl... I would soooo fav this... but I kind of have this other thing up... so know that the thought is there... and that this piece absolutely rocks... " A blanket of imagination"... awesome...

--
Harder than a drama
Softer than a porn


Wishing I was there... Wishing you were here...
:icondataphreak:
~DataPhreak Feb 22, 2004, 9:20:45 PM
Yea.

--
"Give a man a fire, and he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life." -Twain?
:iconnarial80:
~Narial80 Feb 22, 2004, 9:29:56 PM
I like. As noted above, the lines "You learn so much/ About a person when they sleep" is very nice, succinct, yet very powerful. I will say, however, that the last line seems out of place, almost jarring. I really think you could leave it off completely and have a very solid poem.

+fav

--
"Allez-y, regardez-moi avec vos doigts, doucement, avec la paume de votre main."
--La nuit sacrée, Tahar Ben Jelloun
:icondataphreak:
~DataPhreak Feb 22, 2004, 9:32:38 PM
You're right, but without it the entire piece has no purpose, as that is the message I wanted to communicate. I want it to be jarring. I want you to see the constrast of the concious personality against the subconcious soul. It is there to express the inner turmoil in her mind she only shows when she is sleeping.

--
"Give a man a fire, and he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life." -Twain?
:iconnarial80:
~Narial80 Feb 22, 2004, 9:45:11 PM
Then I would say that as I reader I am left confused by the discord between the first and last lines. They are both discussing the sleeper at that moment, but express two completely different physical descriptions. Perhaps a restating? I think the main issue I have is that the last line seems a bit pat, like it isn't really a part of the poem, but rather a quick add on to express your thoughts the quick and dirty way. But, of course, that's just my take.

--
"Allez-y, regardez-moi avec vos doigts, doucement, avec la paume de votre main."
--La nuit sacrée, Tahar Ben Jelloun
:icondataphreak:
~DataPhreak Feb 22, 2004, 9:46:48 PM
That all depends on your take as peaceful. I dunno. I'm fucked up.

--
"Give a man a fire, and he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life." -Twain?
:iconpunkrockerz:
~punkrockerz Jan 22, 2007, 8:54:05 PM
I really like the last line of the poem.. completely changes the tone.. bravo.

--
[link] (PLAY!)

[link] (It's a link, you're curious, I was bored..CLICK IT!) =p
-----
/join #Couchfukk0rz, #GamersGamers, #thewaterbook
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